The Big Ol' DVD Dumpsite

The Day My Brain Stood Still

2008-12-15T10:34:00.001Z

The Day The Earth Stood Still - 4/10

The Earth does stand still in this film (although at a rather illogical juncture, considering worldwide society is in ruins by that point) - and I was genuinely suprised how held back it was for the most part. Keanu Reeves shows how canny his agent is by being Keanu Reeves in yet another idiot savant role and pulling it off purely by not having to act very much and frowning,

Jennifer Connelly defies space and time and looks like her glassy-eyed and gorgeous self even when spouting hilariously inept lines about change. Little brat does a good job of being bratty and innocent, didn't find him annoying as actually his reactions make sense considering what he's been through.

Gort is horribly underused. The army and Kathy Bates make decisions so idiotic the 12 year old behind me kept groaning about how stupid they were (which was more amusing than annoying, as his complaints were oft well timed). The threat is rather underplayed and then, as per usual, rather than letting imagination run loose at the end of the world, we get a FUCKING SANDSTORM/MIST/CLOUD killing everything. Why does Hollywood keep doing this shit? WHY? YOU GOT A GIANT FUCKING ROBOT! Have the giant robot kill everyone!

BUT despite all the complaints, it is a time filler and despite being dull as dishwater has John Cleese practically single-handedly saving the world by being old and clever. See it once, marvel at how close they got to the original for once yet how they fuck it up by idiotic script decisions, then forget it later.

One Missed Call (and an old one of Miami Vice)

2008-04-20T09:51:00.000Z

One Missed Call

One Missed Call is Takashii Miike's 2003 take on the popular J-horror genre. Apparently intended as a homage to films like Ringu and Ju-On, whilst at first it starts off as a generic teens in trouble from a restless spirit picture eventually the prolific and typically absurd director throws in a few of his trademark curveballs to liven things up.

Initially, being a bit of a connosieur of all things long-haired and spooky, I had the same feeling of watching a by-the-numbers asian ghost story like Into The Mirror, Phone or The Wishing Stairs. That is to say, the majority of these films are reasonably solid and effective to a point but rely on far too many standard shocks and it takes a great deal for me to actually be affected by them. I was spoilt early by movies such as the aforementioned Ju-On and A Tale of Two Sisters, and having watched both of them so many times I'll admit it takes a lot to actually get my jaded soul feeling nervous.

However eventually Miike's warped magic takes over, using shocking scenes sparingly and (aside for one duff effect with a door) some rather good effects work to lend the film a similar surreal feel to the gloriously weird Uzumaki. The initial device of the ghost communicating your future death through phone messages is effective enough to lend some tension to the procedings, and masterfully Miike manages to work this tension into the final minutes of each victims lives giving a palpable sense of urgency into solving the mystery.

The plotline cleverly twists a few times towards the end, which in typical Miike fashion comes like a bolt out of the blue whilst simultaneously tying into the themes of the rest of the picture. I've read the inevitable Hollywood retread was done by a director who admirably, yet unfortunately, deliberately didn't watch the original before remaking it in the US. Knowing the movie's reception, perhaps he should've at least taken one peek, because this is how it's done. Maybe not the most original J-horror ever, but the standout moments, unique Miike feel and very effective chills mean this will linger long after the DVD player's been switched off and you go to bed...

Miami Vice

I'm not the worlds biggest fan of Michael Mann, but I'm rapidly warming to the guy... Heat left me cold (see what I did there?) compared to the original LA Takedown, which I felt benefitted from the lack of big stars. However, I enjoyed Manhunter which was far more successful than Ratner's Red Dragon (a valient effort, but unnecessary) and Collateral kicked my ass. My only realy problem is his style sometimes overrides the complexity of his movies... a small thing, and maybe an odd negative point, but aside from Collateral I've never felt like an inside man (geddit?)...

Miami Vice took a while for me to get into. Crockett and Tubbs aren't easy people to get straight off, and Mann throws you straight into their world without nary a nod. Cold, hard and efficient men, they're good at their job and they obviously enjoy looking good doing it... kind of the opposite of the grungy funsters I like to hang out with. But there you are, in the center of their complex world and Mann endeavours to take you with them.

Does he succeed? Well, the movie is essentially more than about another smooth takedown caper. What lifts it up your usual episode of CSI, aside from the deliberate (if a little sporadic thanks to Manns typical use of filters) gritty documentary feel is that it's a movie primarily about relationships. Both "business" and personal.

Well, a mixture of both for Colin Farrell's Crockett, at any rate. A man with a weakness for the poontang, you really start to warm to him when he gets it together with Gong Li's sultry businesswoman from the wrong side of the tracks. However, its really her that provides the emotional core of that relationship. Gong Li is simply phenomenal in this... an utterly gorgeous woman (without being overly so) who conveys both a steely exterior and, eventually, a genuine look of love when she falls for the gruff Crockett. I honestly got the feeling that Farrell was primarily playing off her, but whatever - it worked and provided the movie with more heart than I thought it would ever have.

Jamie Foxx's Stubbs is a bit more of an enigma. His relationship never comes across as being particularly warm with Crockett, more a mutual respect, trust and understanding. Almost purely professional. That is until a turning point later in the film... but by this point you honestly don't feel quite as much for him as you should. Still, if there's a man who can pull off effortlessly cool, it's Foxx, an endlessly adaptable actor who I felt a bit lost with in this picture. Maybe I can buy him more as an everyman, but his detatchment meant although you were with him, he was as undercover to me as a viewer as the people he was penetrating.

Man, that sounds SO wrong.

Anyhow... the action in this movie, typical of Mann, is superb. It's blunt, it feels realistic, it's bloody and you can feel the thunk of the bullets as the pierce flesh... the gunfights are DANGEROUS and very well directed. Certainly the end had me riveted, as did a sequence where the cops had to perform a strategic strike under cover of darkness. It's not over the top, but it's tense, and moments like that were honestly more heart pumping than the subterfuge.

Mann's gloss may have given way in this movie thanks to his choice of changing stock to provide it with a different feel to his movies, but still... the locations, the cars, the planes, the moves... it's all Mann and feels slightly removed from reality. Thankfully Gong Li's heart saves it.

She can have mine any time.

The Kingdom

2008-04-11T08:59:00.000Z

The Kingdom

There's been a few films over the last year that have hovered over into my conciousness and exceeded my expectations. The Kingdom risked drowning in a sea of similar movies, as I'd assumed it was going to be patriotic smack for flag-waving chest beaters. I'd not read much about it, all I'd seen was the cover.

Oh, how wrong I was. So wrong I watched it twice in a day.

A tight, taught thriller, action movie and study on diplomatic and social relations between two wildly different cultures, The Kingdom comes on strong and doesn't let go. It's possibly the tensest Hollywood movie I've seen in a long while, bravely going places I didn't expect it and treating its subject matter seriously whilst not eulogising heavily on any particular point of view. Presenting us with the severity of the situation and political problems encountered by Jamie Foxx's Fleury, the first part of the movie revels in frustration masking some clever misdirection.

After a massive bomb explosion in an American civilian compound, he assembles a team after blackmailing a Saudi Arabian diplomat into letting them investigate the crime scene. His agents are inhibited at seemingly every turn by an overprotective sycophant of a US diplomat and a native police force both not wanting to be seen as standing down for them to take over nor wishing to tempt fate into another incident.

Cleverly, the movie treads the grey areas with intelligence and a great degree of wit. Jason Bateman's Leavitt as a loudmouth forensics officer and the banter and gentle breaking in of initially stoic Faris, their presiding SA officer, along with excellent turns by all the cast lend the film a lot of heart. Even the terrorist cell that they're dealing with, although generally rightfully portrayed as cold and ruthless, are allowed some degree of humanity later on. Although not studied in great detail the fact that it's touched upon is quite remarkable, as it lends them a duality as well as showcases the inisidious nature of religious and social extremism.

If looked at with a wider view, the film itself can be seen to be quite basic. Essentially an exercise in tension and release, it leads from the shocking opening five minutes into a slow buildup towards a frankly astounding action scene towards the end. Everything is built towards investing the viewer into an ongoing situation, with Peter Berg ensuring that any drop in steam is fired up only moments later. The ending is also up there with The Mist in my book, not in as overwhelmingly horrendous, but with the way it'll stay with you long after it's finished.

If I'd had seen this last year, it would've been one of my favourites of 2007. A real meaty action movie with a side-serving of intelligence, don't pass it by on the DVD shelf like I did for so long.

Gooood grief... I've left this a long time.

2008-04-04T08:32:00.003Z

So here's an update well over a year later. Jebus. Put it down to me being busy. To make up for it, here's a load of stuff to keep you going -

Shutter

Yup, I know. ANOTHER asian ghost film. But wait! Hear me out a second - this one's actually worth your time. True, it's not the greatest, most unforgettable long-haired psycho dead bitch picture ever (that, for me, goes to A Tale of Two Sisters for being so fucked up, yup, even over Ringu and The Grudge) but it's a solid Thai entry into the genre. One of those films deemed good enough, apparently, to get the inevitably rubbish Hollywood remake treatment.

The plotline is pretty simple, or at least the hook is. The protagonists, Tun and Jane, are on their way back from a wedding get-together when they hit someone. Tun, drunk, urges Jane to drive on... and from there, naturally, it all goes a bit wrong. Tun, y'see, is a photographer, so it's a given that the apparently dead lady in the road starts appearing in his photo's.

As usual for Asian fare of this type, the film is very beautifully lensed in that typical green-y colour grade favoured by nearly every director that side of the world. The scares are less of the "make you jump" kind and more of the sinister and weird type, with the central ghost figure being very well realised. True, there's a couple of times where the ol' scary hair routine rears it's ugly head (pardon the pun), but for the most part the vengeful dead person is actually horribly effective. Some nasty dream sequences and one particularly brilliant piece of misdirection in a toilet add up to make the film way more memorable than it should be.

If you're looking for a solid scare-fest, you really can't do wrong with Shutter. It's not the boldest foray into the world of pant-shitting terror, but it's a solid one well worthy of a poopy streak or two.

Bug

I was pretty interested in this for a while and had been looking forward to seeing if William Friedkin could creep me out as much as he did in the seminal Exorcist. Ashley Judd stars in this low-budget thriller about a woman who lets an apparently delusional man into her life, then buys into the delusion. Forget the insanely misleading Hollywood trailer you may have seen which makes it out to be an edgy horror, the movie's stage roots are extraordinarily evident in the use of one location and emphasis on long scenes of dialogue.

Bug begins pretty well as we look into Judd's Agnes' lonely life. Disturbed by her recently paroled ex, a thoroughly nasty Harry Connick Jnr. who pops in to menace her throughout the film, she takes in a stranger, Michael Shannon's Peter, introduced to her by a friend. Seemingly pleasent at first, if a little odd, it become increasingly apparent to the viewer that all is not well in Peter's world. Through finding something to cling to and a man who obviously cares for her, Agnes throws away her initial caution and begins to slowly unravel as Peter's paranoia begins to infect her life.

The script starts off reasonably cleverly but it quickly becomes apparent that Bug treads similar lines to better movies, particularly Jacobs ladder. This would be forgivable if the film opened up the further it went, but the three-tiered theatrical structure is incredibly obvious and the film makes no effort to step away from an obvious conclusion. As Agnes becomes further embroiled into Peter's world the film moves towards its inevitably bloody end, the dialogue between them reaching a hysterical crescendo. Whilst the intent in showing the power of delusion is quite admirable, ultimately it broils down to two people shouting at eachother in a room in garbled hyper-speak. Unfortunately, for myself at least, it doesn't quite work. Any seeming aspirations to Lynchian weirdness are simply cast-off and it's a shame that the filmic medium wasn't explored more.

But as I said, there are better examples of this kind of film and it's probably more worth your while chasing them down. Despite some solid acting it's hard not to feel rather annoyed at it all come the end - not just for the fact you need to turn the volume down, but it just finishes so flatly. A wasted opportunity.

The Quiet Earth

The Quiet Earth is a little-known cult film that treads the same ground as other "last man on earth" scenarios. Telling the story of a scientist who wakes up to go to work only to find every single living soul has disappeared in the middle of their day-to-day activities, many of the early scenes are similar to works such as Abre Los Ojos and I Am Legend. The similarities end there though, as director Geoff Murphy's film has far more in common with cult sci-fi classics such as Phase IV and The Andromeda Strain with the theme of science gone wrong and peculiar end-of-the-world feel.

The central performances are all quite strong, with Bruno Lawrence admirably carrying the first part of the move on his own as his scientist, Zac, descends into madness before rising up again to meet the challenge of his situation. Initially it's a strong study in isolation taking its toll but later on, when he meets two other strangers, the movie takes another interesting turn. From there, typically human flaws seep into his quiet existence despite themselves as jealousy threatens to split the group apart.

Much has been made about the twist at the end, but throughout the movie there's mention of the world changing subtley, or "shifting sideways" thanks to misused technology. In these days of giant machines throwing atoms together to find the "God particle", the message of this and similarly perceptive science fiction features rings out louder than ever. Man playing God runs the risk of complete and utter disaster, but that said there is a strange positivity, no matter how isolated, in how Zac ends up as the film goes on.

An interesting, if not original, movie that's worth taking on if I Am Legend left you cold. Also has one of the most epic and moving soundtracks I've heard in a while - shame it's so hard to get a hold of!

Stardust -

What a great fantasy film. It just comes together so perfectly, the script is witty and the performances genuinely affectionate. In fact, as much as I would liken it to my childhood favourite The Princess Bride... I don't think that would do it justice. I thought it was much more enjoyable, much more heartfelt and just, well, more. It's a film that took me back to my youth, and after the awful, AWFUL advertising and trailers I'm astonished I'm writing this. A beautifully made film that no doubt I'll visit again and again in the future.

The Proposition

2006-08-02T21:42:00.000Z

Flies.

Dirt.

Blood-encrusted wood.

Faces so hardened by life on the edge they resemble the contorted trees that populate the dusty white land that surrounds them.

The Proposition is a film so thick with atmosphere, you'd swear that your living room is starting to heat up and the acrid smell of sweat has started to permeate your senses. Writer Nick Cave and director John Hillcoat have created modern Western masterpiece, only it takes place in the unforgiving land of early bushranger Australia.

Although only taking place in a few locations, Hillcoat slathers a nasty tale of revenge, mean-spirited characters and blood-bonds with heart-aching cinematography and compelling performances. Guy Pearce manages to inject an otherwise quiet, stoic role with genuine guilt and weariness as Charlie Burns, brother of legendary local bandit Arthur Burns (Danny Huston). Forced by Captain Stanley, played with conviction by Ray Winstone, to hunt down his wayward sibling he has until Christmas to kill him or his younger brother faces death at the end of a rope.

And that's it. The film plays out exactly how you'd expect, but the utter grit and bloody-mindedness of the script coupled with the realistically withered performances really make the film shine beyond its simplicity. However, Emily Watson's Martha Stanley adds an extra dimension of humanity to an otherwise raw and uncompromising picture so by the time things come to a head you'll be praying for her to come through the other side alive.

The film isn't quite without its negatives, though. A turn by David Wenham as a vile governer feels wasted, as if the film could've gone further into dealing with his corrupted views on lawmaking. John Hurt's mercenary screen time also feels quite light for such an interesting character, but I suppose it could be argued his dangerous nature acts as a weight on which Arthur Burns' threat can be balanced.

The final quibble lies in Nick Caves soundtrack. Although for the most part it completely suits the onscreen action, there are times when its pulsing electronica overshadows the authenticity. It doesn't completely blow it, however, so it's probably more down to personal taste than anything else.

If you've aching for a good western the likes of which haven't been seen since The Unforgiven, make sure The Proposition is your next stop. Personally, I feel that although it isn't quite as deep, it's the better film... if only for the realistically bloody and dusty vision it comprises and performances so roughly hewn you could strike matchstick on them....

Syriana

2006-08-02T21:40:00.000Z

Having recently passed through the Middle East and spent some time in a predominantly Muslim country, coupled with following the upsetting recent events in Lebanon and a bad case of the flu', I felt like hitting part one of producer George Clooney's commentary on modern politics... part two being Good Night and Good Luck, which he directed. What I found was a deep, multilayered film that intertwines the stories of four people around the corporate merger of two oil companies and the US' involvement in an apparently fictional country.

It's not an easy film by any stretch, but it is an incredibly important one given that it is a big-budget mainstream Hollywood picture, despite its predominantly liberal leanings. If there's any proof that creativity and political interest is alive and well in LA, this is it. George Clooney is making a name for himself as the intellectual of the Stateside movie industry, his liberal yet highly charged views forming the crux of his involvement in projects like this... and even though Syriana does indeed offer a one sided picture, its focus does indeed open up the way for debate in the US' involvement in the Middle East.

It's a highly cynical film, for sure. Corprate fatcats and the CIA don't come off well in this picture, being portrayed solely as corrupt puppet masters dictacting the direction of government control in the region for their own purposes. Even if this means assassinating potential liberal allies with an eye on democracy, the money-motivated players have their eyes on one thing only - the control of oil. And they'll even stab eachother in the back to get it.

But it's not all just high-level power play. On the ground, George Clooney commits a gruff and troubled performances as an ill-fated secret service man who finds himself caught up and abandoned by his erstwhile colleagues. You can't help but have admiration for the man, going against his usual image and putting in a committed and haunted performance that ten years ago wouldn't have seemed possible from an actor famous for staring at the floor. Matt Damon, as a family man financial advisor finding himself wrapped up in Alexander Siddig's Prince Nasir's family politics under tragic circumstances, also equits himself well.

More interestingly, Syriana also attempts a possible too light look at the development of an islamic extremist. Shahid Amhed's immigrant worker Saleem is a brave role, but ultimately underutilised alongside the less interesting goings-on at the top end. Finding himself out of work in a country where he doesn't speak the lingo, he slowly finds himself pushed towards an Islamic school preaching an ultimately warped and militaristic world view in an otherwise seemingly peaceful complex.

This in itself would make for an interesting standalone film, and although Shahid's character is important, his transformation from seemingly intelligent young man to suicidal mujahideen seems both too quick and underpowered.

If anything, Syriana could be accused of taking on too much. Kicking off to a blistering start, its meandering pacing might bore some expecting a taught thriller. As a study in the US' involvement in the Middle East, it's a flawed but important movie that certainly won't be to everyones taste. Bolstered by delicate cinematography, all-round excellent performances and a subtle soundtrack, it's most definitely worth seeing... and worth supporting, despite its flaws. George Clooney is rapidly turning into the most important liberal campaigner in Hollywood, and considering the alternative is Michael Moore, no matter what you may think of his politics... he's the better alternative!

Running Scared - Cropped Heads!

2006-05-17T23:09:00.000Z

I'm a Mack Daddy Pimp!

OK, I'm not. But this movie sure is the mack daddy of wannabe gritty actionfests! Yeah, yeah I'm scrabbling... but give me dues, it's late and my ho' needs slappin'.

Running Scared is the latest vehicle for Paul Walker, only now rather than being the squeaky-clean definition of jock he's a thugged-up gang trippin' shouty motherfucker. Now, whilst I am a minor fan of the original Fast And The Furious (no sniggering in the back please) I'm not a major fan of the 'Walker. Famous for his range of exactly one emotion, this time he actually manages to contort his square jawed features into more than one shape for a film that's part slick Bay-esque visual krunk and part Tarantino-styled gritty underground drama.

Running Scared is a truly psychotic movie that follows Walker's mafioso thug as he tries to track down a stolen gun. Essentially, this device allows for a barely-held together plot of utterly unbelievable contrivances and clichés that stretch credulity to its thinnest thread. Utilising some incredibly frenzied over-editing, the film struts from family drama to psycho-thriller with nary a breath, often seemingly unsure of whether it's a straight Hollywood action thriller with soundtrack to match or gritty low-budget indie. But... it's never boring. It runs so quickly from one implausible situation to the next that its hard to catch your breath.

As a Hollywood film it's possibly one of the riskiest movies that's come out of there in ages. I can't be too sure, but it almost feels like a warning shot to the edgy Korean titles that are winning so many justified plaudits from critics, audiences and liddle ol' me alike. There's copious amounts of tits and ass (down to the taint), some incredibly gut-wrenching violence and hell-bent crazy characters running the gamut from deluded pimps and whispering junkies to the most genuine-looking Russian gangsters outside of Moscow. The action never, ever pulls any punches and it's incredibly downbeat pretty much all the way down to the end, using some nifty, if not a bit predictable, misdirection.

All in all Running Scared is a really solid suprise. Paul Walker manages to carry the film and pull off suprising range, the kids performances are all extremely strong and Vera Farmiga, as Joey's wife, is given some great scenes and one of the toughest threads to stomach, content-wise. The only let-down is the general feeling that the movie can't settle into its groove as much as it wants you to believe it can, but if you roll with the punches it puts up a worthy and incredibly bloody battle for your attention.

SPECIAL BLOG EDIT - ...and yes, I know I've just reviewed two movies called Running Scared. Believe me, not intentional! Of the two, they're both pretty strong and not related in ANY way - one's a buddy comedy with a side of cheese, the other a balls-out action thriller with the balls to match. Seeing as my DVD rental dude was uncertain as to if they were the same movie remade, I thought its worth saying - NO! Given a choice between the two, I'd say the 'Crystal wins it by a good margain on his disturbingly bronzed bod alone. And that's if you want a thriller.

Running Scared - Crop Top!

2006-05-15T07:48:00.000Z

This film is possibly some of the most fun you can have with your clothes on and your fly zipped up.

Hey, why are you looking at me like that? Stoppit! No, I'm not talking about the recent Running Scared with Paul Walker, but the old 1980's classic starring Gregory Hines and Billy Crystal! A movie of such unmitigated eightiesness that the former, at one point, wears a crop top t-shirt and the 'Crystal shows off his bronzed and disturbingly well-developed bod to a wonderfully overbaked pop score.

Beyond that, however, this is one of the best buddy movies ever made, thanks to the brilliant wordplay between the pair and a real feel for its gritty location. Peter Hyams really seems to get into Chicago's cold underworld and sets up the movie beautifully with an excellent montage of the city that really sets the tone for whats to come...

...and you know what? I miss that kind of setup. By the time it's through and he gently maneuvers the camera to the pair toasting their hands over a fire next to a neighbourhood basketball game, I was there with them. It's a shame that nowadays most directors are happy just to use their locations as backgrounds and not as part of the atmosphere because just by this simple technique, I'd already bought into the movie. It's an even bigger shame that an eighties buddy movie reminded me of the power of simple scene setting... but I digress...

Bar the frankly odd but funny excursion to Florida halfway through, the movie whips through the often clichéd but always entertaining plot with nary a breath. Crystal and Hines' cops never cross the line into parody either, showcasing genuine affection for eachother, and it's really nice to see the former outside of his comfortable mid-thirties homely comedian schtick.

Don't get me wrong, this movie won't set your world alight. But it goes balls out to entertain, even going so far to throw a few suprises with appearences by Jimmy Smits and Joe Pantoliano. It's also endlessly quotable... the reason for my seeking it out being a section of dialogue from The Herbalizer's Very Mercenary. In that regard it most certainly didn't disappoint! Well worth a rental on Region 1 DVD - particularly with Billy Crystal's outtakes on the extras showcasing his little-seen adult humour.

Sympathy for Lady Vengeance - Masterful Cinema with a taste for blood...

2006-05-14T20:06:00.000Z

I've only seen Chan Wook-Park's Oldboy before this, the second part of the Vengeance Trilogy that started with Sympathy for Mr Vengeance - which I've still got to catch up on along with the apparently excellent JSA. Suffice to say, on the basis of these two films alone, I personally feel he's one of the most important directors in cinema today, if not one of the best who's ever graced the silver screen, period.

Compared to Oldboy's searing heat, the chilly atmosphere of Lady Vengeance makes it a perfect partner in crime. Combining beautifully-composed, crystal-clear cinematography with character, emotion and depth, the movie deals with some incredibly complex subjects and makes the viewer question their own morality, as well of the people who're portrayed onscreen. Lady Vengeance places judgement over revenge, taking the characters to the brink of boiling point to see if they'll tip over the edge in a fit of rage only to factor in the reality and consequences of their actions at the last minute.

Oldboy was all about the extreme end of vengeance, a man who'd stop at nothing to find out why he was put in the situation he found himself. Lady Vengeance finds the main character on essentially the same revenge trip, but throughout Wook-Park continuously pulls her back from the simplicity of her quest. She's never an inhuman cypher, despite at first appearing so with much of first half of the film showcasing her ability to act like a chameleon puppetmaster. In fact, it's a movie about regaining humanity and the heavy burden of guilt, of choices and of the consequence of those choices. As such it resonates with the viewer on a number of levels because of the "what if" situation it presents to you and in how normality can encroach on extreme circumstance.

The movie also showcases Chan Wook-Park's ability to temper different styles of filmmaking within the same movie. It's got some great comedic moments, often after something uncomfortable. He sets up warm familiar situations, only to shoot them in the head moments later. The rich vein of irony throughout is an excellent grounding for its themes and also sets you up for one of the most astoundingly hard moments I've witnessed in modern cinema.

There's a point in Lady Vengeance that hits you in the stomach. Physically. A gut-punch. I literally flinched, not just at the power of the image or what it involved, but in the intensity of the moment. No other film has really made me react this way emotionally. It's one thing to create shock through imagery or courting controversy, it's another investing the viewer with enough buildup in tension and involvement to actually react what's happening onscreen. It also taps into your concious involvement in the scene and sets you up in judgement of not just the perpetrator, but of those witnessing the act and their later decision on a moral level.

All in all, Lady Vengeance is an incredible movie. The only negative I can actually think of is that the narrative sometimes jumps in time between similar characters, but that's mainly a fault of my western eyes than anything to do with the film or direction itself. The rich cinematography and endlessly inventive direction never distract, the soundtrack is superb and the acting throughout top-notch. If you think you might like the sound of this film, simply put - just buy it. It's an investment you won't regret.

House of The Dead and Alone In The Dark - THE UWE BOLL COMBO

2006-05-14T20:04:00.000Z

What a suprise.

WHAT A SUPRISE.

For laughs, a mate and I cracked open some beers and prepared ourselves for several hours of unmitigated cinematic vomit. We were disappointed. Uwe Boll is NOT the worse director working today. Not at all. He's an awful director, but seriously, a lot of the hate is merely bandwagon jumping by people who never saw the films or invested way too much into the original source material. I wouldn't want him near my franchise, but he's got a place - and that is at the bottom rung making everyone else look good. And the movie world NEEDS a man like that - at least until he either gives up or improves. On the basis of these two films (yet to see Bloodrayne), he's improving. But only if you see milk curdling into yoghurt as improvement.

In House Of The Dead, what we found was a movie so bad it was hilariously funny. At no point could it EVER be taken seriously, from the first appearence of the small fella in the sou'wester hat holding a hook all the way to the ridiculous bullet time zombie mash, replete with slo-mo walk to camera and dolly-track in shot.

What's utterly brilliant about HOTD is that it approaches a level of insane near-genius. Boll rips off LOTR in a zombie film (I nearly wet myself), films the worst rave committed to celluloid, actually commits explanations for the incredible martial arts skills of the main characters, randomly inserts clips of the game, loves inane helicopter shots with voiceovers, enjoys inept misdirection and despite the complete lack of tension delivers some really offhand comedy (intentional or not). Plus for the straight male it has some insanely hot chicks and the action is so terrible, so over-the-top, it actually catches you up in it despite being incredibly confusing.

It's like... Scooby Doo rated R. Saved By The Bell with zombies. Michael Jackson's Thriller on crack. Hell, it's a preschool Evil Dead employing a Bruce Campbell lookalike with the acting skills of a badly dubbed japanese animation. People stand in the Friends semi-circle to deliver lines to camera, zombies stay completely still or jump into the air at wild angles. It's brilliantly awful.

After watching the making of we were suprised at the effort that went into the making of it, even to the odd bullet time of an old man firing a gun once and the camera kind of going 3/4's behind him for no reason at all. Even funnier was that the making of turned out to be a great documentary about George Romero, going so far as to interview the man himself and delve into the effects work of Tom Savini. Even the DVD is confusing - it's a cinematic turd polished to imperfection!

Alone In The Dark is one of the most totally lukewarm, servicable films I've ever seen. It never ever picks up. Ever. It's just... so flat. That said, it's got some good "bits" despite the amazing overuse of slo-mo, a strangely labyrinthine plot and creatures ripped off of Alien. It has a text crawl to rival the longest of the Star Wars, some confusing history to whatever the threat is Slater finds himself against and Tara Reid. But... it's better than HOTD. I'd even say it's got some good ideas... only it never, ever follows through on them.

What did suprise me was the middling acting - everyone seems to think they're appearing in a better film than they actually are. The old guy is genuinely good, even if his development into the main bad fella is totally inexplicable. Tara Reid plays her typical nut-shrinking ice maiden who eats babies for breakfast, Christian Slater actually does a reasonable job (his line to the boy at the beginning of the film is class) and Stephen Dorff's character is begging for some kind of parody if it weren't for the fact he actually feels like one anyway.

He literally spends the ENTIRE film barking orders at other people - "You, patrol the perimeter! You, stand over there! You, tap on that keyboard!". But it's hilariously funny and you can't wait for his next line to see who he'll shout at. Even funnier is that without him to tell them what to do, his magically-appearing team of marine commando's are completely useless. If anything, on Dorff alone AITD is a good drinking game.

What AITD showed me is that it's obvious Uwe Boll is capable of making a very bog-standard television series. Hell, he could probably turn in a reasonable episode of (to my mind) the utterly lacklustre Doctor Who. I've read loads of complaints about his action direction - hell, he rips off Equilibrium of all movies - but here the sequences work in a nondescript, standard way.

The main issue with Boll I found is that he kind of builds up a glimmer of hope in some places only to drop it into a black hole a bit later with some bad directorial decisions. As one example, Slater arrives at one location, has a brief discussion with a nun walking away from it, only to turn around and walk back for no reason at all. It's just... meh.

But despite being so mediocre, it's no way near the worst film ever made. At all. It's not even as bad as an Ed Wood picture. Hell, the worst film ever made is Xtro 3. Uwe Boll's got some way to go before he hits that level of utter gobshite. He also seems to think he's getting better with each film. Well, we'll see - but on this basis, he's correct. I'm gonna make it my mission to see Bloodrayne next to see if this is true.

That's if I recover from bleaching my eyeballs first.

The Brothers Grimm - The Ghost of Gilliam

2006-05-07T12:05:00.000Z

The Brothers Grimm certainly isn't Terry Gilliams finest film - but I'll be honest. Terry Gilliam, for me, is a frustrating director... his films have visual flair and breadth of content, but there's always a really messy element to them. Sometimes this adds charm, sometimes it takes away from what you're watching... His movies are like a ricketty old house, full of character, but always feel like they're on the brink of falling apart. He's like Tim Burton's less slick older brother... more substance, but at the same time always teetering on the brink of fantastical credibility. Maybe that's why he's so damn good. Contradictory? Definitely - but that's the only way I can define him.

I'd heard loads of negative things about Grimm... from its famously troubled productions to some incredibly negative reviews. But for the life of me, on watching it, I can't understand why. Matt Damon as Will and Heath Ledger as Jacob play the two brothers as incredibly likeable, their English accents pretty much impeccable. They form a solid foundation for a pretty much solid romp into childrens gothica that goes balls-out to entertain, Ledger in particular quite willing to act the clown and proving himself, once again, as an apt all-round performer. All the actors are above par, including Peter Stormare's oft-criticised theatrical Italian Cavaldi. Many reviews found him irritating, but I found him a great over-the-top cartoon of a man which suited the tone down to the ground.

What really makes it for me, as a Gilliam film, is some of the neat directorial flourishes which pick it up above average fantasy flair. The camerawork is alway interesting and the production design is really quite beautiful. The abundant imagination and ideas at work, as well as the intertwining of the various Grimm fairy tales, is always clever... and there are some really neat (and suprising) kills deep within the forest and a genuine sense of menace. I do get the feeling, however, that it could almost have delved into darker territory, but... as a kids movie, it seems to work.

But despite all this, and typical to my own contradictory feelings towards Gilliam, the feeling of a troubled production still hangs over it. The special effects are either plain bad or quite obviously unfinished, which does serve to break the immersion somewhat, and there are a few scenes in which, although well delivered, are hampered by a very occasionally clunky piece of dialogue. Plus subtitles serve to tell you the name of each location should the camera take a leap elsewhere... a completely un-needed studio device who's criticism on my behalf is purely personal. Rargh!

Anyhow, as a fantasy movie it IS downright fun and occasionally very impressive - if in design, not execution. I'd highly recommend it to people wanting to lavish their DVD collection with a fantasy to sit alongside Sleepy Hollow and it's definitely worth a rental. Sure... it's not Gilliams best... but even when he's sleepwalking he still has dreams better than most.

Doom 3 - GET IT OFF ME! YAAARGH!

2006-05-07T10:32:00.000Z

Mmmm... crapalicious!

I just finished enduring/enjoying Doom... a blood-soaked wimpout by mainstream Hollywood that both manages to entertain/numb the mind AND be true to the source material/completely diverge from it. I fully expected this movie to be a commercial piece of plasma-diluted diarrhea and, in part, it is. But for some reason it also manages to pull enough tricks out of the colostomy bag to entertain.

Firstly, I've played Doom 3, the episode of the franchise this homage most resembles, from beginning to end. I enjoyed it for its mindless approach to old-skool gunplay combined with its overly serious b-movie plotting and cinematic set-pieces. Sure, the backgrounds did grate after a while and the scares were mainly monster-in-the-closet variety (many many closets) but it was enjoyable and managed to disturb thanks to its Hell-based bad guys. Something about Mars, being an empty alien planet, combined with your average mad-techno-scientist lab and the forces of Satan himself really pulled that game out of the mire of being another turkey-hunt.

But what did the producers do? Take the Hell away and turn it into genetic engineering. A long, slow and sarcastic clap to them for that, I say. The film starts incredibly badly, with a horribly conceived portal-on-earth idea giving leeway to scientists discovering an underground site (which we do not see) and alien specimins with a new DNA strand to experiment on. Suffice to say - said experiments run loose, havok reigns. So it falls to The Rock's Sarge and his happy-go-lucky bunch of backwards marines to sort out the mess.

So, the film falls its first hurdle. AGAIN we've got a rag-tag loose fit of personalities, that we're so used to seeing in the likes of Resident Evil and Aliens Vs Predator, attempting to save the world and coming up against overwhelming dark forces. A group so inept, if they were to change a lightbulb chances are they'd accidently plug it into a warp core generator and cause the Universe as we know it to implode. Quite how this kind of group manages to get together or survive beyond falling out of bed is amazing to me - but I purely put it down to Hollywood scriptwriter lazy-itis. Like the virus in the movie, this disease that seems to have spread like wildfire of late... although unfortunately hasn't yet claimed any victims.

Would it be SO difficult that we're given a realistic group of people who work together as a team? Has it struck ANYONE that perhaps... just perhaps... the idea of an efficient team being taken out by forces unknown is actually SCARIER than watching a bunch of whining arseholes get their sphincters ripped out on beats timed over a thousand movies?

Well, obviously not.

But anyway, Doom 3 starts of really badly - but here's the thing... Despite its non-adherence to a good idea, its clumsy stereotypes, its inefficient scene-setting, its obvious trundle through dark corridors and monsters with poorer designs than its source... some of it is actually worthwhile to watch.

Firstly, three performances spring to mind. The Rock, who gave us the only thing worth watching in Be Cool, proves himself a canny performer by actually making something of a very basic role with a neat twist in tone. Which is good, otherwise we'd be stuck with Carl Mundane to watch bad-smelling (one for you Friends fans there) his way through a rigid performance. Rosamund Pike is sexy, intelligent and somehow manages to deliver techno-speak and drivel like she both means it and cares. Then Razaaq Adoti as Duke comes in third thanks to charisma and what appears to be genuinely cheeky spark with Rosamund.

The direction is really basic, as it would be for this kind of by-the-numbers movie, yet bolstered by some really neat ideas. Or should I say gore. Really neat gore. Throughout the action is well managed and pretty imagnative despite some poor effects work on the creatures, with the standout being the first-person sequence that mimics the game. Unfortunately, for the most part it just feels like a student making a zombie movie with a handicam, but around each corner lies a sly little suprise and a rather entertaining fight with a chainsaw. Occasionally it's a little confusing, but it works and at least gives the viewer something a little different to watch.

So? Probably not a movie to write a lot about.

...

Shit. Anyway, an entertaining romp that manages to disappoint and keep you comfy for a couple of hours. If you want to watch crap, at least it's good honest crap - as long as you're ok with a bit of corn....

Final Fantasy: Advent Children, Guy X - Overworked Reviewer Ramblings

2006-05-07T09:47:00.000Z

Tired and have too much work to do. Really want to chime in properly now I've seen all of Final Fantasy: Advent Children. Now this is a shit film dressed up in pretty clothes... worth it for the utterly gorgeous artwork and over-edited but well-coreographed fights. Unfortunately, no matter what anyone says, you have to sit through the "reflective" scenes of utter garbage that even someone who loved the game it's based on would probably be better off fast-forwarding. Because they don't make much sense anyhow. It's quite telling that the cut-together game footage from the PS1 title that's what, nearly ten years old, actually has deeper and more interesting plotting and had me hooked to the end.

I watched Guy X today. A beautifully shot movie that unfortunately, despite being quite compelling, doesn't really know what it wants to be. Half slacker-Marine movie (now rapidly becoming a genre unto itself), half Scooby-Doo mystery, Jason Biggs really elevates it through a subtle performance that also makes use of his brilliant comic timing. I'm telling you, the man is a criminally underused star!

The cinematography is utterly superb throughout. I seriously didn't expect such great framing and camerawork, and Michael Ironside's cameo is actually incredibly touching. Unfortunately, the pacing keeps flicking between studied and manic so the tone ends up being uneven... that said, great stuff that's just the wrong side of excellent. Brill soundtrack too.

Brokeback Mountain - Just keeping themselves warm...

2006-05-07T09:44:00.000Z

Wow... ok I blubbed. OK? FINE.

Well, unless you're catering to completely homophobic assholes then the universal themes of love, no matter gay, straight or bi-curious, will always find an audience.

That said, I found the initial tension somewhat lacking, with the sudden rush of heat between the two not quite as emotional as I was guessing it would be. This carried on throughout the film for me - like the love that develops between them, sometimes the movie felt distant. Only towards the end did I feel any kind of bond with the pair.

Part of this was a lack of danger which wasn't quite choreographed as well as I'd had hoped. Sure, there was that one flashback... but it wasn't quite the nail in the back of the skull you need. The film, however, is built around subtlty, yet most of the time it could've been any illicit relationship. This is perhaps why I didn't feel much for them after the Brokeback scenes... that they were basically knowingly cheating on spouses they didn't need to commit to, nor want to. Naturally, there is a turning point where the love between the two becomes obvious and it picks you up from there... but to be honest, it could've been a straight love story from then on and it wouldn't have mattered. Perhaps that adds to its power, but the lack of tension served by their situation did prove problematic for me in buying into their lives.

The performances, particularly Michelle Williams understated role as Ledger's wife, were all-out excellent. Jake maybe didn't exude the same amount of sheer emotion as Heath for me, but he suited the character, his distance creating impact for a later twist in the narrative. The cinematography... Ang Lee does it again... pulls the most breathtakingly gorgeous skies you've ever seen on celluloid out and lays them bare as paint to a canvas. Some of the shots in this film are genius,. a standout being Heath perfectly reflected in the mirror of Jakes truck. The music is the best kind of emotional and rousing, so much so I went onto iTunes and downloaded the theme.

Lastly, I was suprised at the amount of titties and a suprising deficit of cock shots. That I don't mind. But still, a strange balance in favour of the mammaries to make the belligerent straight males to feel as if they've got their DVD pause-button money's worth. For a film that attempts to really push the boundaries of American cinema, I found this rather peculiar even if it wasn't needed. This is no Irreversible, after all, but given the subject matter and surrounding furore... maybe more than a little suprising.

*dusts hands*

So...

Anyone wanna go fishing?

Narnia - No Swearing!

2006-05-07T09:41:00.000Z

Well, just got off The Lion The Witch and The Wardrobe. I was really interested in seeing this, being a fan of the books by CS Lewis as a kid, but for some reason was put off by a couple of reviews and a friend who thought it wasn't particularly good. There was also a lot of hyperbole about its Christian foundations, but to be honest although it's there it hardly rams it down your throat. In fact, you could argue it's equally a celebration of pagan and celtic tradition as it is Christian allegory - its story also founded in magic and myth.

Although not the most assured piece of storytelling ever, some great performances from the kids and exceptionally beautiful effects rise it above the norm. I honestly enjoyed it more than Kong - a movie I find too clever by half and had me squirming during its already overlong running time. Narnia is a solid interpretation of the original novel, doesn't over-run and although it does ask you to swallow some incredulity, at least I didn't find myself balking at the requirements insofar as suspension of disbelief goes.

I was actually suprised by its brutality too - bloodless, maybe, but also quite breathtaking in places. Watching big cats collide in a rush of mystical animals is quite a sight. I've read some complaints that the film isn't imaginative enough, and sure as the book does it relies on some fantasy staples we're all used to. However, back at the time it was written this kind of thing was relatively new and the updating of different genre stereotypes, from Fawns to Minotaurs, is bolstered by the inclusion of realistic (and in the case of the beavers, quite lovable) animals.

Not all of it is as shiny as the armour in the final, inevitable battle, however - James McAvoy as Mr Tumnus is either miscast or simply not putting his heart into the role. The occassionally dodgy bit of compositing pulls you out of the picture, and the soundtrack is a little off in places when applying atmosphere. The Enya-esque electronica only serves to remind you it's a movie and doesn't pull you in as it should, even if the theme itself is quite strong.

In the light of other childrens fantasy literature making it to the screen, from Harry Potter to Pan, and the LOTR movies, Narnia does lose its impact. But those willing to set aside scouring the film for hidden Christian messages and fans of the books will find it an easy, often suprising and enjoyable ride.

Broken Flowers - Getting Serious!

2006-05-07T09:39:00.000Z

(written in response to someone else at AICN)

I thought it would be a good progression from The Life Aquatic and Lost In Translation, but for me - it was a case of two steps forward, three steps back. It now feels like he's flogging his serious/funny side a little bit too much, as in this he's far less successful at putting a character out there through his usual nuance than the other two films.

***SPOILER LADEN BELOW***

For one thing, it's incredibly poorly paced. I mean... there's character studies and there's slow character studies. It's so lumpen it takes them nearly 15 minutes to actually open the letter.... plus...

He's supposed to be this Don Juan-esque figure yet nothing in his character suggest this in any way. No, not even the scene at the flower shop. Nothing. A few furtive glances at a ladies legs does not a sexual predator make. I'm not saying he has to bang every woman he meets, but SOME kind of interest beyond a smile or something would communicate ANYTHING about this character. I almost feel like I'm intruding on someone's private life as he is on others.

Then... the ending. For HOURS we've been waiting for some kind of revelation. We already know his comfortable existence has been unseated near the beginning of the film... that's why he decides to go off travelling. To have this message also be the ending, that he's standing at a crossroads with this possibility of his son in mind... it doesn't signify any character progression. He's not progressed one bit since he decided to make his journey.

Let alone the fact that the movie almost seems like an excuse for Bill to work with a long line of older actresses seemingly for the hell of it. Now, I like Murrays new direction. I'm all for it. But this glum, world-weary depressed character is now starting to feel like it's being trudged out for every film. At least he had spark in his last two movies. This one makes it feel like the fire has gone out.

Actually, this movie really pales in comparasion to a similar road-trip movie, Alexander Payne's About Schmidt. True, the themes are different, but I found it a whole lot more satisfying to watch both visually and thematically. I've not seen all of Jarmusch's work but I know he's capable of more. Down By Law was an excellent movie and Ghost Dog was a very capable, and heartfelt, modern samurai film on American soil. As it stands, Broken Flowers was a rambling disappointment for me.

Azumi - Blood-covered Japanese Chick on Crack!

2006-05-07T09:38:00.000Z

OK, it's late so I'm not feeling particularly eloquent, but I'd rather get thoughts down on a film whilst it's still stuck in my head.

I really, really, wanted to like Azumi. In fact, I think it's a good movie... but it's definitely not as great as it could be. So far Ryuhei Kitamura has been one of the most frustrating directors in Japanese cinema for me... ok, I've only seen a couple of his films, but he always seems close to being able to pull a classic movie out of the bag but fails because if his adherence to Japanese clichés. Sky High was practically unwatchable, a nonsensical and somehow boring DV nightmare that I onyl managed to get halfway through before I lost patience with its self-important yet cartoony universe full of cardboard cutouts. Versus was an edgy film full of neat ideas that couldn't quite rope them together into a coherent movie, seemingly too long and spattered with annoying characters.

Azumi is a far better film than either of those. But... it suffers from an aching identity crisis. It's cartoony, yet again... but it's serious and actually very affecting in parts. But each side doesn't quite gel. One of the main problems is the undeniably pretty Aya Ueto. She simply CANNOT pull off her part.

Ok, I can hear a few of you mumbling about her pulling off other parts. That's enough in the back.

... anyway... she just doesn't have the emotional range nor physicality for the role. Azumi is, admittedly, meant to be a "little girl" character. But we're also meant to buy into her being capable of killing in cold blood, which takes strength of character in the face of some of the inescapable facts presented to her in the film. Aya is great at smiling, brilliant at the emotional climax of the film when you really feel for her as a lost child... but she can visibly barely hold her sword or commit to the aggressiveness required for the samurai battles and more weighty scenes.

Aya Okamoto, playing a travelling performer, however, DOES feel like she could pull it off. Somehow it's really frustrating watching their scenes together and knowing that this has somehow been skipped over in casting. The issue with the film is that so many elements feel disparate that without the solid core of the character of Azumi that its a requirement that we need to believe in her.... and because you can't, it falls apart. But not so much that you can't enjoy it.

The rest of the movie's heroes and villains also showcase this disparity. Again Kitamura seems to fall back on animé stereotypes - the fey, psychotic and deadly assasin dressed in white. A ninja who looks like a monkey with sound effects to match. A group of deadly buffoons. But in amongst these cartoon characters also seems to be a bunch that have wandered in from a different movie. The silent but honorable ninja who gathers information and fades into the night. The Master who has committed himself to his mission along with his steeds, in the form of Azumi and friends, to the point of losing his humanity. The warlord and his advisor evading their move and plotting their downfall.

This strange mix of obvious J-pop cinema and more traditional samurai film also extends to the direction. Sometimes Azumi is as beautiful as its protagonist, with some of the cinematography being quite graceful... one shot amongst a field of corn springing to mind. Other times its MTV-paced editing and intense colour-grading feels like it would be comfortable in a movie like Blade. Kitamura is the master of un-needed direction, guilty of occasionally overstylising an already stylised film (if that's possible) and throwing in camera tricks almost for the hell of it. At one point, Azumi and an aggressor are engaged in a fight on a plank jutting out of a building - and the camera decided it was in a U2 video and started spinning around.

...

Well, it might've seemed like a good idea at the time. OK... so far you must be thinking "jesus, this guy hated it". But the truth is I didn't. Even if Azumi doesn't quite engage herself with the viewer completely, the characters she's surrounded by in the form of her fellow students and the situations she finds herself in DO, and it's this that saves the film.

You do get the feeling when watching it that Kitamura wasn't quite the right director for the job. But there's one thing you can't accuse Azumi of being - and that's being uninteresting. It still has a unique pull to it and its trashy split personality actually ends up working in its favour. For the most part. So, to sum up - a good movie that's very similar to the mess left after the climactic battle. Bloody, bits everywhere and very hard to get out of your shirt.

... nah, I'm getting confused with movies and ejaculation again. I blame Ichi the Killer.

The Exorcism of Emily Rose - NYRAAGH!

2006-05-07T09:37:00.000Z

(reviewed in the style of Emily Rose)

HUUAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARGHHHHHurgle urgle gurgle... hnyyyyeaaaaaargh.... hnnnnnnnnn!!! RAAAAAARGH! Nyuuuurgle!!!

One, two, three, four, five, six. One, two, three, four, five, six. Trick or treat, I give you treats and tricks! ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE, SSSIX!! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGH!!! I am the one who dwells within... NYYYUUUUURGH!!!!

We are the ones who dwell within. I am the one who dwelt within CAIN! I am the one who dwelt within NERO! I once dwelt within JUDAS! And I was with LEGION! I am BELIAL! And I am Lucifer, the devil in the flesh! And we all thought this was a pretty scary movie.

Laura Linney seems to have a knack for paranormal thrillers at the moment, and she brings her hommmmeeelllyyyaaaaaaaaghhhh!!! blend of acting talent to this scary based-on-a-true-story tale of possession and a girl who can contort to extremely painful looking angles.

Believe it or not... YOUUU CANNOT DEFEAT MEEE ZONERSSSS... I WILL EEAT YOUR SOULSSS... *coff*

Believe it or not, this movie actually did a good job of scaring me witless. For one thing, the acting by Jennifer Carpenter as Emily was pretty incredible, painful and upsetting to watch. Really upsetting. The idea of someone suffering this much pain is what brings the paranormal to a level we can understand, even if the character of Emily isn't totally developed to a point where we know who she is. But even without a fully-fleshed out skeleton of a person, Jennifer's Exorcist-esque transformation from cherub to screaming demonspawn is so effectively portrayed it can do nothing but creep you out.

Tom Wilkinson provides the requisite granite heart of the film as the priest out to quell the beast within and also the pivot for the majority for the picture. His tormented priest is suffering from the modern day, real-life hell of being dragged through court. And the viewer is dragged along with him.

This is where Emily Rose will either pass muster with the viewer or flat on its face. For me, the courtroom sections balanced out the total insanity of watching Emily body-pop her way around a room swearing in latin, but I'd imagine, like those who didn't enjoy the similarly paced Mothman Prophecies before it, some may find it boring. If I was to be completely honest with myself, I found nothing of note in the arguments between the lawyers that I couldn't see coming a mile away, even if it was lurking in the shadows. Their obvious arguments clang off eachother as witness after witness fails to provide solid evidence or professional opinion in order to warrant a balance in anyones favour... the unfortunate lack of peril carrying off all the way to the end.

But without the courtroom sections, this movie would have a little less substance and soul to hold it together. Linney provides the warmth, the center of viewer understanding - and as usual all Wilkinson has to do is look grey and a bit worried and we're with him all the way.

So, Lucifer and the other demons within me have been talking, and decided to give it a one, two, three, four, five, six... six out of ten!

Now get out of here before we spew on you.

Kiss Kiss Bang Bang - Kal Vilmer!

2006-05-07T09:34:00.000Z

OK, got time to sit down and enjoy, yes... ENJOY... and I mean thoroughly enjoy... Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. I don't know... maybe it just chimed with my mood or I felt like watching something cleverer than me. But that's a fine flick right there. Hell, if I wanted to be clever, I could mimic the narrative style of the film whilst "reviewing" this for you good people.

All one of you.

I remember wanting to see this months back when the reviews flowed in and I caught some clips on television. Something about it screamed Get Shorty/Out Of Sight-esque at me - you know how it is, sometimes there are films you just know you're going to like so you buy it straight off. Normally I'd say that's reserved for stuff like the latest Jean Pierre Jeunet for me, but something just went "click and I knew it was one I'd actually acquire, rather than rent.

Thanks be I did, because Shane Black pulled it out of the bag! Glossy-as-fuck pop-tart filmmaking with extra eye candy and a script so salty-sweet that it makes you want to take up screenwriting, only to quit five months later because - well, hell, you aint gonna be as good. The dialogue throws you back to the heady days of such Black-penned action titles like Lethal Weapon its ilk... days when mainstream films had characters to care for and quotable lines to flick at your mates along with your popcorn.

Val Kilmer and Downey Jr pair up so well I want to see a series of films as them private-dicking around LA... and to be frank it's good to see them chew roles instead of scenery. The interplay between the two seems to be genuinely affectionate as they delve into a reasonably twisty hardboiled thriller of a plot, bolstered by bad guys who quip and kill, even if they're not completely fleshed out enough, and shapely totty in the form of the sublime Michelle Monaghan. She's so good you'll want to lick the screen, even if you're a straight female - coming off as a Rene Russo-esque sex kitten with more than enough bite to give character to what could've been a straighter role.

The film has looks to go with the script, too. It doesn't do much in terms of showing off the LA scenery, but it manages to pull off the not inconsiderable task of looking like an up-to-date eighties flick. Sure, the soundtrack passed me by, but I was listening to people talk.

OK, nitpick time. Well, as much as I enjoyed it, it's hardly perfect... as I said, the bad guys aren't all there. They pop up and act tough, even get some great lines, but you don't get any feel for them. The same goes for the corpses. They just pop up and act dead, get some great scenes, but you don't feel for them. This is alleviated in one bedroom scene where Downey Jr's loser Harry takes revenge for the sudden death of a girl, but death isn't made threatening enough as we simply don't care enough for those it occurs to.

Early on, he's told the love of his life is dead - we've been banged on about it, about how she's the perfect "girl next door" and had their entire history put out there. But what does he do? He gets down for a couple of minutes then gets on with things. OK, in pacing terms it's required... but again, death feels throwaway and this is a problem later on when Black tries to connect with the viewer.

But these are merely niggles... this is one excellent ride and another movie that seemed to disappear unjustifiably quickly on release because of, in the UK at least, audience apathy. Hell, the R2 DVD is completely devoid of extras - and that SUCKS.... this is a film begging for outtakes and deleted scenes! Even a commentary! ANYTHING! But no, nothing. Bummer.

Well, here's to hoping for a special edition sometime soon. Because I'd buy it. Yes, I'd buy it twice. I enjoyed the fuck outta this film and hope you will too.

Oh yeah, and there's titties.

...

... and Val Kilmer pretends to play with himself.

... will that do?

Ichi The Killer - MAN-SUSHI!

2006-05-07T09:33:00.000Z

I think three words describe this film aptly.

WHAT

THE

FUCK?

Possibly one of the sickest, sadomasochistic films I've ever seen, I finally got the guts (pun intended) to sit down to watch it. I'm starting to become a minor Takashii Miike fan... Audition was an excellent exercise in audience baiting, Happiness of the Katakuri's was bizarre fun, The Great Yokai Spirit War is Labyrinth surfing on a crack high and Ichi The Killer is ulatraviolent Manga come to life. The violence is SO over the top... the sadism SO completely nuts... you just get the feeling that Miike made a big list of "no-no's" and filmed the worst.

Fortunately, it's a film with plot and characterisation too! So thank god he didn't leave those important things behind whilst managing to saturate it with some of the trippiest imagery and snappiest editing I've seen in a while. Like Night Watch, it uses cinematic tricks to inflict the viewer with emotion... keeping the camera steady when impact is needed, going fuckzoid when mad shit is happening. There's just so many visual ideas in here its good that its main story is, at first, easy to follow...

After thinking on it for ten minutes, I still don't really know what happened at the end. At first the madness is tempered by the reality of the situation and anchored by one of the main characters, an ex-policeman and his son. But the last 20 minutes just goes completely out there... off the scale... to the point where I'm not entirely sure what happened. Personally, I thought it was a bit of a cheap trick to pull, what with the movie being so straightfoward until then, despite some weaving narrative to hold the characters together. As such, minus points for trying too hard to be clever at the end.

Whilst a movie like Oldboy actually led up to something, the perversion of the superhero saga in Ichi and the inevitable face-off (something that happens a LOT in this film) was let down by its inability to decide on an ending. Oldboy was almost as crazy, is also based on a manga, but led up to a conclusion that was satisfying by its inevitability. It got somewhere, even though the viewer is perplexed as to what to think - did I just see something good or bad? Ichi doesn't even let you get that far.

Ichi almost seems paced to a marathon fuckathon. As such, it's kind of like bad sex. The film knows it's not achieved it right... it still cums, but for some reason it just didn't satisfy. It's not that your partner wasn't any good, or wasn't good looking even, just something didn't work. Everything leading up to the end was good - but you just get the nagging feeling that something could've been done better.

Don't get me wrong... Ichi IS a remarkable gorefest. Its perverted characters are grotesquely fascinating, its violence ghoulish but rooted in the characters and it looks stylish to boot. My only other complaint apart from its inability to satisfy is the lead actress keeps speaking English and her acting ability isn't all that... but apart from that, its one of those films you really need to see once to understand what the fuss is all about.

Just keep a finger near the fast forward button if you're squeamish and don't think about eating any fried foods beforehand.

Wolf Creek - Ozzy Stabfest!

2006-05-07T09:32:00.000Z

I've just finished watching Wolf Creek and can barely think about going to bed. This has to be the worst advert I've ever seen for holidaying in the Australian outback.

Telling the tale of three early twenty-somethings out on a hedonistic camping trip, it starts off easily enough with beautiful, open vistas of the Ozzie countryside, one wild party and possible romance between one of the girls and the only fella. They're a reasonably realistic trio out for a laugh, and although they have an unfortunate tendency to fall on the twatty side of posh travellers, they're affecting enough for you to engage with them. This is helped by some snappy dialogue and the fact the relationships seem more than the meat-and-two-veg you typically get in the teen slasher genre. Which is good, because apparently this movie is "based on true events".

To note, just even the vague notion of this film being "based on true events" is enough to make me fill a load and change into a new pair of boxers.

Now, I don't get stressed or too disturbed easily watching films. Hell, I licked the screen watching The Thing and bared my ass at Alien's facehugger as a practical joke. But psychological horror nearly always gets me with the occasional rare exception. Silence of The Lambs failed. Wolf Creek got me.

Almost Spielbergian in its execution, we follow the trio to Wolf Creek Crater by way of a tatty, run-down gas station filled with obnoxious, backwoods locals. Which is where the shit really hits the fan. Wolf Crater looks absolutely stunning, a real location and a glorious vista. We drink this in, go back to the car to find its battery is dead and then... we meet Mick.

Now, we've all seen our fair share of movie psychopaths. Mike Myers, Freddy Krueger, Hannibal Lecter... well, they have got absolutely nothing on the terrifying embodiment of feckless evil that is Mick. I mean, this guy is salt of the earth and seems to be a good, honest fella... maybe a bit down on his luck... but he's also...

AN ABSOLUTELY RAVING FUCKING LUNATIC.

Now, the top moment of this film... well, I aint going to spoil if for you. Nearly all the top moments feature this merrily idle headfuck bantering his way through scenes of almost unimaginable terror. But there's one bit... well, lets say its the most uncomfortable 45 seconds/minute I've ever watched and it wonderfully turns a famous line by Crocodile Dundee on its head before sticking a knife in it and screwing it around until you die spitting blood from a gaping wound and trying to yell through your own bile... *breathes in*

This is also the least fair film I've seen in a long time. It really doesn't care what it does to the main characters... what it does care about is making sure you're slackjawed with the unfairness of it all pretty much all the way until the end. I mean, the cute little gerbil-creature in Takashi Miike's The Great Yokai War was pummelled to a pulp until it bled yellow vomit. I could take that with humour. But watching a murderous middle-aged man shoot, knife, threaten and stalk these realistic kids with relentless impassivity and a jolly glint in his eye is something else.

This is definitely the best horror I've seen from last year. Seriously, screw The Descent. I liked it, it was clever, but it featured evil Golli (plural for Gollum, folks - write that in your diary) and unrealistically drawn characters. THIS is the real horror of last year and you owe it to yourselves to be dragged down kicking and screaming with it into Micks swirling madness. It's fucking evil on disc and it demands to be seen... just don't watch it whilst holidaying in Australia.

The Great Yokai Spirit War - Yellow Goo!

2006-05-07T09:31:00.000Z

First things first, I was expecting an average amaray DVD case, but it's one of those posh card fold-out thingies. High-quality print, too, with images from the film and the various Yokai found on the inside of the interior folder. I'm not au fait on case names, but this style seems to be getting more popular of late for special editions and it was nice to see the R3 Yokai release wasn't an exception.

The 2 discs contain the feature on one, with some rudimentary special features, and a second disc with two short films, a documentary, promotional interviews with the cast and crew plus... English subtitles! It's great when a foreign release goes all out like this, as the Japanese edition didn't cater for English speakers whatsoever. Well, why should they? But its quite rare for the special features to get any attention.

The film itself is much better than I anticipated. A real throwback to the 1980's - Legend, Labyrinth, Krull, Dark Crystal et al - in the sense that the effects aren't 100% amazing but they do the job at pulling you into a bizarre fantasy world. They're often quite grungy, but the almost stop-motion CG work and wonderfully theatrical costumes actually suit the movie down to a tee.

The plot isn't quite as incomprehensible as I was expecting, but I think some previous knowledge of Japanese folklore and legend would really help understand some of the later scenes. The lead playing Tadashi is quite a remarkable little kid, being able to pull off everything required from physical comedy to fighting, blind rage, fear and desperation with conviction. The adult actors are also pretty good underneath layers of latex (or some underneath hardly much at all) and even the little squirrel creature hand-puppet pulls off enough emotion to convince.

Takashii Miike doesn't even reign himself in. This movie, for a kids film, has quite a bit of horror and gore, with a crazy cow birthing scene at the beginning, sickly yellow crap spurting from the little squirrel every time he gets wounded and several bloody limb removals. It's also completely and utterly surreal, starting off similar in tone to a far better acted and designed Uzumaki and then heading off into all-out action SFX territory for the finale. The script also has some nice zingers - a homeless person dismissing one huge monster as "It's just Gamera", for example - and provides enough of an emotional core to pull the viewer in and reign back the visual madness.

This isn't a movie for everyone. No way. Loads of people are going to see this and complain about the effects not being good enough, but like those who do the same about Mirrormask, they're missing the point. The effects might be occasionally dodgy, but they work within the context of the film and the overall design pulls it together even when the movie loses the plot. The ending will require a bit of research to fully understand, but at least it provides a great finish to a long-running joke throughout the movie and ties it all up.

The best way to describe it is being an ultraviolent Neverending Story. It might not have the same powerful imagery, but it makes up for it in charm and over-the-top crazy shit. I highly recommend it to any horror buff and 80's fanboy wanting a slice of what made them tick back then... but the strength of its imagination should pull in fans from across all ages.

The extras on the second disc are pretty bizarre too. The two short films seem to have been done on the fly for the sheer hell of it, but are still quite entertaining, and Miike shows he's quick witted and all for a laugh on the World Yokai Conference. Instead of just promoting the film straight, the producers obviously had a whale of a time pretending the entire thing was real for a one-off publicity conference and it looks like it was a lot of fun.

I haven't got into the documentary, but I watched about a minute of it and found that the entire cast and crew attended a shrine before the filming of the movie. That move seems to have worked out, as it's a fun film which is suffused with Japanese spirit lore. If you think you'll like it, buy it. I'm certainly pleased to add it to my collection and I'm sure you will too!

Welcome to DVD Dumpsite

2006-05-07T09:05:00.000Z

DVD Dumpsite is going to be an utterly random selection of DVD reviews from Yours Truly, dependent on when I watch them and what they are. It's just a blog to keep a record of the ones I write for fun on the AICN forums. As such, being a dumpsite, sometimes the reviews will be a little nonsensical as they refer to goings on at The Zone... but I'll attempt to edit them into something coherent in case I've gone completely nuts and splurged out a tirade of nonsense in response to someone - or if I've merely lost my marbles.

So, please, enjoy them. I can't promise greatness. I can promise some random stuff though. ^_^